11/27/2014

Being Thankful ... And Missing Her

Being Thankful....And Missing Her.....


Its quite and the house is sleeping....my plan was to sleep in and then start this very emotional day.  Instead I woke early and my mind started the journey of memories and Thanksgivings past.

Thanksgiving was my sisters favorite holiday.  She would tell you it was the turkey and the stuffing, and "ohhh the mashed potatoes"....but it was more than that.  It was the memories and family getting together each year.

My mom always did Thanksgiving when we were kids...we had anywhere from 10 to 20 (and sometimes more) at our table.  It expanded from the dining room to the living room, and somewhere in the house there was always a kid table.  She would start so early in the morning with a bird that would barely fit in the small oven we had.  The counter would be a collection of casseroles, vegetables, pies and desserts.  While mom cooked there was a constant dish washing station...always trying to keep up with the bowls and trays, pots and pans.  I remember that kitchen in the blue house was so small....and yet my mom made the best dinner and created the best memories.  We would all eat ourselves into a small...or large food coma and begin the process of napping, watching football, and playing board games.

As I got older and moved out of the house...Thanksgiving changed from just my moms house.  It was shared between my in laws, my moms, and now my home.  Depending on the year and everyone's schedules....we would decide on a plan and then travel or stay home, but in the last 8 years we have spent many Thanksgivings at my house.  Having kids that now have there own schedules changes everything.  Sometimes we just couldn't go very far because practice of some kind is always on the following friday :).  Don't get me wrong....I loved staying home and carrying on the tradition of cooking the bird and feeding the family....and the last few years my sister was here to help.

Now most of you know that my sister was a chef.  She made amazing food, but what most people don't know is she hated cooking at Thanksgiving.  So I was in charge and gave her tasks that she didn't mind as much doing.   I often thought that even a chef likes to have someone cook for her once in a while....and I gladly obliged.

She would always  "be bop-in" around 10am...with wine, a news paper, her big bag of goodies and a huge smile.  It was Thanksgiving morning and nothing was better then this......
She would eat an orange roll (one of her favorite things) with a cup of coffee and go over the list of food that we were making for the day.   She always made the antipasto platter and the mashed potatoes, those were hers to make, and she would start with roasting garlic in oven.  Meanwhile I would start on the turkey...and together we would put the bird in the bag, stuffed with onions, celery, and oranges, covered in butter, oil, and herbs, and then proceed to something else......

(many sighs....and  tears))

I can't tell you how much I am going to miss that this year....today is just another reminder of what is lost and will never be again.  Today I must start a new set of Thanksgivings....memories without my kitchen partner, my sister, my friend.  This morning my kitchen is quite and right now a lonely place...I did a lot of cooking yesterday with my girls, just in case I couldn't do it today...but it is my oldest daughters senior year, and the last time that we will do Thanksgiving with her living here.  So....I must continue on......I know I must help my children begin new traditions and memories with out her.  So here I sit pouring out my feelings, and tears to you, with a sleeping house, and a cup of coffee.  My bird is prepared and ready to go....(I did it last night)...orange rolls made and ready to be eaten...(also did last night) and now I ponder how to start the day....being thankful when all I really want to do it cry and feel sorry for myself.

 Of course....she is probably sitting  across the table from me right now, telling me to put that garlic in so it has time to roast, and don't forget to make the pecan pie (also a major favorite of hers).... and reminding me that I have three beautiful reasons to be thankful upstairs sleeping quietly in their beds....

So I am going now...to do those things that I just know she is telling me to do.... to pull out those orange rolls and hot chocolate.. to begin preparing the food for cooking later, to turn on the parade and stop crying.  She always hated it when I cried.  She told me once that everything was ok until I starting crying, because when I was crying she knew it was bad.

 Like I have wrote in the past..."firsts"are the hardest, and this "first Thanksgiving" without her won't be easy...but I know it must be done...and to be honest... It's here even if I don't want it to be.
We miss you my sweet sister...and I am trying to be thankful for the time we did have.....and don't  worry ...I  found a new pie crust recipe!!
 

8/20/2014

The Challenges

Hello again.... I know it has been awhile....I think I just looked and my last post was in May.  I wish I could say that I have been absent because I have been off having summer fun with my kids.  I have seen all the facebook posts of parties, travels, and adventures of my friends.  Although I had great plans of doing all those things this summer.  I just haven't.

Don't get me wrong...we have been busy.  With sports and a few weekends away we have had moments of joy again.  To be honest I thought it would be easier then it has been.  Losing someone that was as close as my sister has proved to be the battle of my life so far.  With the recent death of a local women who had been missing for weeks, and the death of Robin Williams (both of whom took their own lives)....people have asked how I was doing?  Honestly I have been to wrapped up in my own little world to really comprehend it.  Since that awful day when the police notified me.....I have countless people talk about there own experiences of suicide.  They are mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers, grandparents, and students.....and sadly all their stories are heartbreaking.  It is such a secret something that people don't talk about.  Maybe it is the shame or the shock or just the ugliness of it all.  Then they talk about the "hows" and it still amazes me the choices that people make.  But recently something has been brought to my attention that got me thinking....

The "ice bucket challenge" supporting ALS has been such an inspiration.  How one person brought such a simple task to bring attention to a not so simple disease that effects many people.  All my girls and countless friends have participated and donated to the cause,   I have read so much material about how debilitating it is and how it effects the young and the old, and this is where the thinking came in at 2am.......how suicide is a disease too, but it often has symptoms that go unnoticed.  It is silent and deadly and the person fighting is often alone because we don't grasp the depth of their suffering.  They wear a smile and laugh at jokes, but inside they are often crying.  This has haunted me....Please don't misunderstand what I am saying...one disease is not more important then the next....the most important disease is the one affecting you.

This one has affected me to the depth of my soul.  People said I would go through all 5 stages of grief...and at the time I would put on my fake smile and say ok.  I didn't realize how right they really would be....I am in the process of going through my stages the best I can and helping my girls go through them too.  I still tear up every time someone speaks her name, or asks how we are but it is better than the full break down I used to have.  Randy would have celebrated her 30th birthday this month.  It was tough...we kept busy and made it through.  All the "firsts" seem to be difficult, the first holiday, the first birthday, for my children the first day of school....especially as my senior walks out the door to start the most important year of her life yet to date.....and as fall approaches, and Randy isn't at football games, volleyball games, and activities we will all feel that one thing that is missing....her.....

So yet again I post about grief, and the silent killer that people don't like to talk about... I am still reaching for peace and I can only hope that my words in this post reach someone who needs the comfort for their own loss or needs the push to ask for help.......

5/08/2014

Two Choices

Two Choices.....

In my adult life, nothing has "stopped me in my tracks" like losing my sister.  It is like my world stopped spinning, however  the rest of the world around me has continued on.   
Although it seems completely selfish...I sometimes find myself feeling a bit angry that people can move on and I feel stuck.  How can they go on being happy when I am so sad?  The good news?  In all this?  It only last a second....which for me is promising.  I know that it is time to get moving again.  Not only do I have a household to run, and children to "run around"...lol, I have a life I need to be living.  I have two choices....

Stay put, or get going.

Ok now its been two weeks since 
I wrote that above......To be honest I have had days that I really did get going.... lunch with friends, a little shopping, working with a big client on a current project....and there have been days where I just stayed PUT!!!!  It sounds so easy above, but the reality of grief really is one step at a time.  I have a dear friend who is really wanting me to start working out again....and although I miss it and know how good I would feel doing it again...when the alarm goes beep, it is just so easy to turn it off :)  I know she will continue to keep trying and I am sure that I will find the motivation again to do it.  For now a walk at least two times a week is the goal, and having you all reading might just be the push I need to make the better choice.  So off for a walk I go.....(but before I do that :)




I just have to share something that might make you smile...
I once had a friend tell me that when you reach 40...you feel like your body stops acting like it use too.  It always made me smile...but I have found there to be some truth in it!  My feet hurt!  And other things seems to be...well falling apart!  So for those of you a bit farther ahead in birthdays...
are shoe inserts, more expensive facial creams, trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and food allergies...normal?  If so... 40 might might be more challenging then I thought...lol.  




5/06/2014

Dots...

........dots

In the first ever blog post for "These Five Walls" I gave you a disclaimer about my grammar and how I make up words.

So now here are some more......I like dots!  I like to use them because I think periods are harsh ways to end my sentences.  They seem so final....but dots give me a way to trail my voice and hopefully share some of the emotion in what I am saying....so if they don't drive you completely batty...hang in there with me.

I do hope that you will find something in what we share.....

Ok...I thought it might be nice to share a bit about myself and "These 5 Walls".  My name is Darcy DeBord and I am the proud owner of a little Interior Design business

White Birch Design Company, LLC (Formally Gate House Designs,LLC).
I love the world of design, and I use my own home and children as test subjects, when trying out all sorts of things.  Paint colors, design trends, etc.  I mean seriously I actually have burlap drapes because Ballard Design Magazine sells them , and my clients want to know if they work.  So what better way to tell them...then own them.

But that aside, my business is just a small part of who I am.  What goes on within the "Walls" of my home, is where life really happens.  It is where I try new things, get inspired, and watch my family of "5" grow.  Hence "These 5 Walls"

I want to share projects, food, style, and of course being a parent....and as you read in the first blog ....our journey....on how to deal with our grief of losing one of our own.  My friends keep asking me if I have thought about therapy.  Well this is my therapy....and my hope is that I can inspire someone else....someday.  The blog wasn't intended to be only about grief, but when you are where I am...it seems grief consumes everything. 

The sunshine helps and the rain?  Well dreary makes good company...Lets just say..bring on the sunshine.  Which might be a challenge when you live in Western Oregon.

I can't help but feel that if my sister just could have made it to spring and saw the sun...things might have been different.  I guess you try to come up with all sorts of what if's.  I did however recently hear something that stuck...

"You can't find rational answers in an irrational decision".  It caused me to pause, cry and and then a small smile appreared...why ? You ask?

I am turning 40 this month...

I just lost my sister....

I have a daughter turning 18 this year...

I have another daughter who just got her drivers learning permit...

My youngest daughter is now a teenager...

...I am not sure I even know what rational is....:)

4/03/2014

Who would have thought....


Who would have thought.....that losing my sister would be the push I needed to start the blog that I have been wanting to do for almost five years now.

Writing about my experiences with grief was not what I had in mind when starting "These 5 Walls" and yet it seemed like no better time then the present. I guess I have been looking for an outlet and this seems to be the best I can do for the moment. Sharing with perfect strangers seemed easier then talking with friends.....but before I get started I must write down my disclaimer......

First off if you by chance know me... I am not a writer. Talker...yes ....writer no. I make up works (especially when mad) and I tend to write like I talk. That being said if you are a stickler for grammar....this blog is not for you.

Now that you have been warned...we should start at the beginning.......with my sister and me.

She was 10 years younger. To give you a visual I was 14 sharing a room with a four year old. Our relationship was many things, and as we were older it turned in to many more.  Because we were ten years apart...I sometimes felt like a parent, always a sister, and later a friend.  In the last four years, friends is what we truly became. 
 
To my three girls she was the best Aunt, and always with us. Sporting events, homecomings and proms, holidays, and weekends. She only lived 10 minutes away and with social media...well snap chat alone was a daily occurrence.

So how does one say good bye to all of that? My answer right now is ... you don't. Instead you cry...you cry a lot . In the car, in the shower, in the grocery store....I think you get the picture. It is going on 8 weeks. The wound is so very fresh...the loss so very deep, and the hole is so very wide.

In the first few days, the shock of it all is so unimaginable,
You see what I haven't told you yet, is she chose to die. She chose the day, the place, and the how.....yes she took her own life at 29 years old.

But now the shock is wearing off and the heaviness is setting in. I think in the first few days and weeks I was in what I call "go mode". Things to do, people to notify, and arrangements to be made, but now my shoulders don't seem wide enough to carry the load. I feel just so sad....
I keep thinking....that I have so many years ahead of me, and it just seems like to many years to spend without her in them. Add to that... my children living their lives with her absent also.
I am not sure which is more heartbreaking.....my grief or watching them go through theirs. I was 13 once....how does one process that . What goes through my youngest daughter mind when thinking about someone taking their own life? My middle daughter at 15 was so very close to my sister....and my oldest at 17....is she carrying her loss any different?
All questions that I think about on a daily basis.....all questions I am looking for answers. Questions that I may never have answered. Am I prepared for that?

I know my sister would be proud right now. She tried to get me to do the blog so many times. I guess I was a little scared. Like I said I am not writer, and definitely not a computer person. My sister was chef by trade and we would cook together and talk about putting things on the blog. I haven't really cooked or baked anything since she died. I find no joy in it right now. Which brings me to another reason to start the blog. Maybe sharing my heartbreak with all of you will help me have the courage to step into my kitchen and find joy again. (and yes I am sitting her with salty tears streaming down my face).

So the goals are these......
Begin to live...again
Start the blog
Share my grief and through it find some joy.
Bring my sister along in my journey through her memory....





 
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