Who would have thought....

Who would have thought.....that losing my sister would be the push I needed to start the blog that I have been wanting to do for almost five years now.

Writing about my experiences with grief was not what I had in mind when starting "These 5 Walls" and yet it seemed like no better time then the present. I guess I have been looking for an outlet and this seems to be the best I can do for the moment. Sharing with perfect strangers seemed easier then talking with friends.....but before I get started I must write down my disclaimer......

First off if you by chance know me... I am not a writer. Talker...yes ....writer no. I make up works (especially when mad) and I tend to write like I talk. That being said if you are a stickler for grammar....this blog is not for you.

Now that you have been warned...we should start at the beginning.......with my sister and me.

She was 10 years younger. To give you a visual I was 14 sharing a room with a four year old. Our relationship was many things, and as we were older it turned in to many more.  Because we were ten years apart...I sometimes felt like a parent, always a sister, and later a friend.  In the last four years, friends is what we truly became. 
To my three girls she was the best Aunt, and always with us. Sporting events, homecomings and proms, holidays, and weekends. She only lived 10 minutes away and with social media...well snap chat alone was a daily occurrence.

So how does one say good bye to all of that? My answer right now is ... you don't. Instead you cry...you cry a lot . In the car, in the shower, in the grocery store....I think you get the picture. It is going on 8 weeks. The wound is so very fresh...the loss so very deep, and the hole is so very wide.

In the first few days, the shock of it all is so unimaginable,
You see what I haven't told you yet, is she chose to die. She chose the day, the place, and the how.....yes she took her own life at 29 years old.

But now the shock is wearing off and the heaviness is setting in. I think in the first few days and weeks I was in what I call "go mode". Things to do, people to notify, and arrangements to be made, but now my shoulders don't seem wide enough to carry the load. I feel just so sad....
I keep thinking....that I have so many years ahead of me, and it just seems like to many years to spend without her in them. Add to that... my children living their lives with her absent also.
I am not sure which is more heartbreaking.....my grief or watching them go through theirs. I was 13 once....how does one process that . What goes through my youngest daughter mind when thinking about someone taking their own life? My middle daughter at 15 was so very close to my sister....and my oldest at 17....is she carrying her loss any different?
All questions that I think about on a daily basis.....all questions I am looking for answers. Questions that I may never have answered. Am I prepared for that?

I know my sister would be proud right now. She tried to get me to do the blog so many times. I guess I was a little scared. Like I said I am not writer, and definitely not a computer person. My sister was chef by trade and we would cook together and talk about putting things on the blog. I haven't really cooked or baked anything since she died. I find no joy in it right now. Which brings me to another reason to start the blog. Maybe sharing my heartbreak with all of you will help me have the courage to step into my kitchen and find joy again. (and yes I am sitting her with salty tears streaming down my face).

So the goals are these......
Begin to live...again
Start the blog
Share my grief and through it find some joy.
Bring my sister along in my journey through her memory....