The Challenges

Hello again.... I know it has been awhile....I think I just looked and my last post was in May.  I wish I could say that I have been absent because I have been off having summer fun with my kids.  I have seen all the facebook posts of parties, travels, and adventures of my friends.  Although I had great plans of doing all those things this summer.  I just haven't.

Don't get me wrong...we have been busy.  With sports and a few weekends away we have had moments of joy again.  To be honest I thought it would be easier then it has been.  Losing someone that was as close as my sister has proved to be the battle of my life so far.  With the recent death of a local women who had been missing for weeks, and the death of Robin Williams (both of whom took their own lives)....people have asked how I was doing?  Honestly I have been to wrapped up in my own little world to really comprehend it.  Since that awful day when the police notified me.....I have countless people talk about there own experiences of suicide.  They are mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers, grandparents, and students.....and sadly all their stories are heartbreaking.  It is such a secret something that people don't talk about.  Maybe it is the shame or the shock or just the ugliness of it all.  Then they talk about the "hows" and it still amazes me the choices that people make.  But recently something has been brought to my attention that got me thinking....

The "ice bucket challenge" supporting ALS has been such an inspiration.  How one person brought such a simple task to bring attention to a not so simple disease that effects many people.  All my girls and countless friends have participated and donated to the cause,   I have read so much material about how debilitating it is and how it effects the young and the old, and this is where the thinking came in at 2am.......how suicide is a disease too, but it often has symptoms that go unnoticed.  It is silent and deadly and the person fighting is often alone because we don't grasp the depth of their suffering.  They wear a smile and laugh at jokes, but inside they are often crying.  This has haunted me....Please don't misunderstand what I am saying...one disease is not more important then the next....the most important disease is the one affecting you.

This one has affected me to the depth of my soul.  People said I would go through all 5 stages of grief...and at the time I would put on my fake smile and say ok.  I didn't realize how right they really would be....I am in the process of going through my stages the best I can and helping my girls go through them too.  I still tear up every time someone speaks her name, or asks how we are but it is better than the full break down I used to have.  Randy would have celebrated her 30th birthday this month.  It was tough...we kept busy and made it through.  All the "firsts" seem to be difficult, the first holiday, the first birthday, for my children the first day of school....especially as my senior walks out the door to start the most important year of her life yet to date.....and as fall approaches, and Randy isn't at football games, volleyball games, and activities we will all feel that one thing that is missing....her.....

So yet again I post about grief, and the silent killer that people don't like to talk about... I am still reaching for peace and I can only hope that my words in this post reach someone who needs the comfort for their own loss or needs the push to ask for help.......


  1. I read the post about your sister back in April and now I am reading this one and glad to see that you are doing the best you can. Will keep you in my prayers. Thanks for being so honest I am sure it will help someone out there who may need that little bit of comfort.

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